TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he really should halt employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following locating the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a Trump Tower Damascus report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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